My wife has gone off the idea of a threesome – and I’m gutted

My wonderful new wife is everything I have always looked for in a woman. The issue is that she is openly and proudly bisexual. When we first became involved, she even joked that she didn’t want me getting mad when it was time for her to visit her friend on girls’ trips. A threesome with a bisexual woman has always been my fantasy. She even gave me permission to go online and find a “unicorn” for us. But when I set up a meeting, she didn’t seem to want to follow through with it, so I stopped looking. Recently, on holiday, she made a sexual comment about a girl in a bikini, so I again brought up the idea of a threesome. But she said she might have grown out of that phase of her life and just wants to be with me. She also said that adding another person would ruin the marriage, and I worry that things might change between us if we get together with another girl. I am at a loss as to what to do. If she is truly bisexual, I am worried that if those desires are not met, she may pursue them without me. My only rule is that if she is with a girl, I am also present. Most guys would love my situation – am I making this harder than it is?

Listen to your wife. It is true that bringing another person into a relationship can be risky, and needs to be carefully negotiated and managed. And you don’t have to protect her bisexual interests – if she really wants to have sex with another woman, she will make that decision herself. Being bisexual does not necessarily mean one is interested in threesomes. You seem to have assumed it does, but it could be that the last thing your wife wants is to include you during sex with another woman. She implied this early on by saying she did not want you to get upset when she went off on a girls’ trip. It is also possible that your wife really is no longer interested in turning her bisexual fantasies into reality. All this is worth a frank conversation. Make sure you avoid blame or judgment, listen carefully, and help her to feel safe to educate you about her true sexual identity.

My boyfriend and I enjoy sex marathons – but is 11 times a day too much?

My boyfriend and I both have extremely high sex drives – it’s the only relationship for both of us where we’re matched in this way. We recently passed 10 times in 24 hours, beating our personal best of eight. On our 11th attempt, it was too painful to go on. I have searched for advice on how to either make it hurt less or how long I should take to recover in between, in case that could be contributing to the pain. Is it possible that I am just doing too much for my body?

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable. If it hurts, stop (unless of course you like that – my advice here is not for those who eroticise pain). Nor is sex a competition, or a game of prowess. Take care of your bodies, and consider aspiring to quality of sex rather than quantity. You will have far more satisfying sex if you focus on the giving and receiving of pleasure. Goal-orientedness always diminishes enjoyment. Try to relax together and breathe. What is the point of having bragging rights if your genitals are red-raw? But if you are both intent on some level of achievement, make your goal purely to increase your pleasure levels – which will involve taking far more time to reach orgasm. Attempt just one amazing lovemaking session spread out over 24 hours – always stopping if either of you becomes sore – and you will see why instant gratification is grossly overrated.

My girlfriend masturbates after we have sex. Why?

I have been in a relationship for nine months. I thought the sex was good for us both, but when we finish she tells me to shower. I wondered why, and now I know – she masturbates. She has done it multiple times; I think she is insatiable. What should I do?

Do nothing. Have your shower and let her get on with it. Such behaviour is very common and you need not worry that she secretly dislikes making love with you. Many women crave a second orgasm, especially if she has been super-aroused during intercourse. Perhaps she doesn’t want to bother you for that extra pleasuring, or maybe she is afraid you might think her too demanding. Many people – male and female – find the type of orgasm they have during masturbation (for women, often clitorally focused) to be qualitatively different from what is experienced during lovemaking. They find masturbation produces a deeply satisfying orgasm without the anxiety that can accompany partner sex.

Sex with you could be fulfilling for her in myriad ways that cannot be reproduced during masturbation, yet she just happens to want that extra one. You may call that “insatiable”; I would call her “sexually proficient” and you “lucky” that she is so aroused by you. You might also consider the possibility that she is truly multi-orgasmic. If you wish to participate beyond your established lovemaking pattern, ask what exactly she would like you to do for her after you have climaxed. Be prepared to follow orders exactly – or be told to hit the shower.

My boyfriend is instantly aroused – and climaxes without touching me

Ever since I’ve been with my boyfriend of two years, he gets an erection almost instantly when we’re in the bedroom. He then finishes very quickly, without any penetration and sometimes with no stimulation whatsoever. This happens every time. He then almost always finds it difficult to maintain an erection later that night. He is chronically sleep deprived and stressed due to work, and enjoys his alcohol, although we don’t drink when we’re together. I’m quite sure he’s attracted to me and the sex is not bad, but I wish he could maintain an erection more regularly.

You are accepting of a great deal. Why? Do you not think you deserve better or have a right to ask for change? Chronic sleep deprivation, alcohol abuse, rapid ejaculation with presumably little pleasure for you … plus the insecurities about attractiveness he is instilling in you. I’m trying to understand why you are putting up with things that are not good for either of you. There are treatments and solutions for all these issues so pay attention to your own needs as well as his and at least make him aware that this doesn’t work for you. You urgently need to educate him about what you want, and gently help him to understand he is getting into very unhealthy patterns of behaviour – sexually and work-wise – that are unnecessary and fixable.

I can never achieve orgasm, no matter what my boyfriend does

I’m a 24-year-old female and I can never achieve orgasm. I feel as if I get close sometimes. Clitoral stimulation seems to help, but I still can’t quite get there. My boyfriend feels as if he’s not good enough because he can’t make me orgasm. I feel broken. What do I do?

Many – perhaps most – women orgasm only through very direct clitoral stimulation. Stop trying to achieve orgasm through vaginal coitus alone, and educate your boyfriend about what is real and true for you. Teach him exactly how you like to be touched and try to transfer his misplaced pride in providing orgasm with his penis to the far more useful and appreciated techniques of manual or oral clitoral attention. Encourage him in his efforts, be tolerant of his early mistakes and praise him when he gets it right. It really is your job to share your exact needs with him (as well as listening and acting on his) rather than trying to fit into the mythology of “vaginal climaxing is best”. It is not, but you can also find ways to have him excite you more during intercourse by direct additional manual contact with your clitoris, or you could touch yourself or use sex toys. Male desires for orgasm-to-order are often based on simple inexperience, poor technique, or embarrassment about not knowing what to do. Teach him, and he will be very grateful.

My stunning wife makes no effort with our sex life – and I’m losing all interest

My wife and I have been married for several years. Over the past six months, I have felt my overall sexual attraction to her diminishing to the point that, even though she is absolutely stunning (she could be a model, which I am reminded of by strangers almost every time we go out together), I no longer find myself sexually attracted to her. At the start of our relationship, the sex was OK and we were very sexually active for the first two years. I have explained to her that she lacks passion, no matter how much energy I bring. She rarely initiates sex, and when she does, she simply says, “We should have sex tonight,” which is a turn-off. In our last conversation, she said she is just shy. After several conversations, she said she understood what she needed to do and would work on it, but shortly afterwards she asked for sex outright without any real effort with mood or energy, so I just didn’t feel up to it and turned her down again. Two months on, she has settled back into just avoiding it. She is a lovely, caring woman, but my patience has worn thin, which sucks in such a young marriage. I don’t know what to do.

When a person feels judged – especially as frequently as you have described – they can lose confidence and withdraw. As a rule, positive reinforcement is the best way to teach a person. In your situation, that would mean praising and rewarding even small achievements and never again finding fault. I suspect she is feeling confused – especially if you have not been sufficiently specific with her about what you like. It is not enough to complain: “You never initiate sex!” Instead you could, say, mention a video you once saw, where a woman unexpectedly walked through the living room wearing “X” or “Y”, then invited a man to follow her upstairs – and ask her to consider doing something similar. Your wife cannot read your mind, and I believe she does not really understand how to be seductive the way you would like. So, she may need very specific requests such as: “Would you mind doing this, saying this, wearing this?” If she addresses any of your requests in even small ways, be sure to praise and reward her amply. Eventually she will regain confidence. But in terms of her own libido, it is up to you to kindly and non-judgmentally encourage her to share her own interests and tastes with you. This might be uncomfortable for her, so do not push – again, praise her and act on anything she does reveal. Your job is to discover how she likes to be pleasured – that is the best way to fix this.

Since I admitted to a foot fetish, my wife will no longer let me near her feet

I have always given foot massages to my wife, and she has enjoyed them. But since I admitted to having a foot fetish, things have changed. She used to proffer them to me and I would massage them. It feels as if the moment I admitted I got pleasure from it, she saw it as a zero-sum game and withdrew. This wouldn’t matter if she was open and honest, but it’s as if she has put up a wall. Massaging her feet felt like a way to connect. This fetish won’t go away and I don’t want it to. I will indulge it on my own because I am bored with sex always being on her terms. I’m bored with everything seemingly being on her terms.

Ingrained fetishes can rarely be ignored or banished. Without an understanding or supportive partner, you will continue to be miserable and frustrated. But sometimes a partner’s avoidance or withdrawal is based on lack of information, or a fear that they are not wholly appreciated. Your wife may even feel uncomfortable and confused about her own role in previously acting out your erotic interest in feet. Try to talk frankly and kindly with her and find ways to help her understand your needs, while also making her feel loved and appreciated. She has her own needs, so ask what you can do to give her pleasure. Longevity between couples with different sexual interests is often based on the ability to negotiate parity in pleasure so that neither feels resentful.

My wife says we can only have sex at weekends – and it must be spontaneous

My wife and I have been married for more than 10 years, but recently our sex drives have gone in different directions. My desire to have sex with her is increasing, but this is not reciprocated. She has said we can have sex only at the weekend, but that it should not be planned as she prefers spontaneity. Given that we have two children with lots of hobbies and activities, as well as our own interests, the opportunities for even planned sex are limited. I find myself getting tense at the thought of no intimacy and it can feel quite stressful as the weekend progresses. Any suggestion that we could do it on a weekday is immediately rejected. I love my wife deeply and find her even more attractive than when we met. But this situation is very difficult and I am not prepared to have an unsatisfying sex life for ever.

Sex can become a realm in which a couple plays out a power struggle, and this may be true for you and your wife. Given your busy lives, with the stress and uncertainty of your family responsibilities, I’m not surprised you are feeling frustrated and that you lack options. It is very likely that your wife is making sex impossible because, in reality, she is tired, preoccupied or overwhelmed. Instead of trying to fit in with her demands or negotiating time for intimacy, I think it would be best to take a look at the broader picture – which would ideally be done via couples counselling. There is probably something of an imbalance between you that is being expressed in the sexual arena and it would be important to get to the bottom of it before your sex life can be restored.

My husband’s big penis is destroying our sex life

My husband has a big penis and every time we have sex my vulva tears. We use silicone lubricant (water-based dried up too quickly) and avoid certain positions, to no avail. That is the only advice I have ever found online and I am too embarrassed to ask my GP for help. This has only been a problem with my husband, not previous partners. Is there anything else we can do to avoid injury? It has reduced our sex life greatly, as it makes me nervous to initiate anything. My husband is very understanding and gentle, and we do oral or manual stimulation, but I miss the intimacy of penetrative sex. We have been together almost 10 years and the tearing is getting worse.

Stop allowing penetration until you can fix this. The tearing and pain will probably get even worse; in fact you may already be suffering from vaginismus, which is where your vagina fails to become open and lubricated in preparation for sex because previous pain has set up a protective reflex. There are a number of options to make your sex life comfortable and pleasurable again.

First, do not allow the prospect of discussing your husband’s big penis stop you from getting help. You are not alone; many couples have such a problem and fail to receive help for the same reason. You may need treatment for vaginismus or a course of self-dilation – a good sex therapist can help you with this. Most importantly, you must never again allow penetration until you are fully ready and desirous – and confident it can be comfortable.

I love my boyfriend, but I really don’t want to have sex with him

I’m 20 years old and I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly two years. I love him so much and have missed him constantly when we haven’t been able to see each other during the pandemic. However, when I do get the chance to see him, I no longer want to be intimate. I just want to curl up all day and hug. I hate it when he starts to kiss me too much, because I know that means he wants to have sex. I don’t enjoy the lead-up and I feel bad as I never instigate it. Ultimately, I will just do it to get it done with. I just don’t see the point. I have never had an orgasm and now I don’t enjoy being naked or being touched. Despite this, we get on so well and I see a future for us together.

It is a mistake to put up with sex when you really don’t want it. Your feelings – including the lack of them – are valid. In just going through the motions, you can set up an emotionally costly habit of bypassing your true feelings in order to please others. Your needs for comforting touch are just as important as his sexual needs, so do your best to negotiate a more balanced give-and-take between you. It is also important to discover the reason for your general lack of sexual interest. Many people are experiencing low sexual drive at the moment, due to Covid-related fear, anxiety and depression. But if you have never felt attracted to him, and if your lack of interest in sex with him continues over time, that may be a sign that he is simply not for you, or that you might benefit from a sexual wellness check-up.

I am extremely attracted to my brother-in-law – and now we’re locked down together

Because of the coronavirus, I am staying in my late mother’s home with my husband, his brother and wife, and our young children. This seemed like a good idea, so we could share chores and childcare (two of us are still working, from home, full time). But the situation has become uncomfortable for me because I am extremely attracted to my brother-in-law. I had hoped this feeling would die down, but it has got worse and over the past three weeks I have become aware that he seems to be lusting after me. My husband and I rarely have sex, owing to his lack of interest, which set in after our second child was born, so I am frustrated and afraid that something is going to happen, or that others in the house will pick up on the vibe between us. How can I stop this feeling?

Under normal circumstances, erotic tension is increased when there is an obstacle to acting on it. But now you have an extra challenge, because courting danger in non-virus-related ways is a common behaviour during this time. Like many others, you may be unconsciously drawn to a peril that you can control. Recognise this and set firm boundaries. Do your best never to be alone in a room with your brother-in-law. Stop fantasising about him. Increase your bonds with his wife and children. Work to improve your relationship with your husband and try to reawaken your sex life together. Focus on your children, on establishing routine, exercising, calming your mind and keeping your family safe. All this shall pass.

My wife said her ex was a better lover than me – and we haven’t had sex since

I’ve been with my wife for 20 years. For the first few years we had a fairly active sex life, but suddenly, during an argument, she announced that sex with her former husband was better than with me. Since then we have not had sex. I guess this is because I subconsciously believe that if we do, I will be competing to be better than her ex. I have attempted to discuss this with her but she has closed the door on that possibility. She has also moved into her own bedroom because of my snoring. Is there any way back (or forward maybe)?

A statement made in anger by one’s partner that is designed to hurt and humiliate is rarely fully accurate. Try not to take this as the truth. What is most relevant is that your wife has pushed you away and withdrawn … and it’s not really about your snoring. As a couple, you have some vital repair work that needs to be done. I would start by seeking some help for your self-esteem, and learn how to best open the conversation. It is likely that you would greatly benefit from couples counselling. Many people reach an impasse in their relationship, then simply retreat and live in misery from then on. Don’t let this happen to you. Remind your wife that you both enjoyed being together once, and implore her to join you in doing your very best to get that back.

I can’t ejaculate during sex. Is it because I masturbate?

I enjoy sex with my girlfriend but I can’t ejaculate during sex. We have had sex six times and no matter how much I try I still can’t. Does my masturbation habit cause this?

There are a number of possible reasons for this relatively common complaint. First, certain medications can lead to orgasmic problems, so if you’re taking anything, check out the side-effects. Sometimes men who can’t ejaculate are considered “studs” by their partners because they last a long time, but this actually makes such men feel like workhorses and they can become frustrated and resentful. Does this ring any bells? Do you really always enjoy sex with your girlfriend? I wonder if, while thrusting, you’re actually sufficiently aroused to reach orgasm?

Your frequency of masturbation is probably not an issue. However, men who have become accustomed to self-pleasuring in a particularly rough way eg using high friction with a towel, sometimes have difficulty climaxing during intercourse, because no vagina feels like that. Seek help from a sex therapist who can make suggestions that are particular to you and could also provide treatment if your difficulty is based on something else, such as fear or anxiety. Finally, instead of worrying about climaxing, concentrate on giving and receiving pleasure; then nature is more likely to take its course.

My new sexual partner is too big for me – what can I do?

I am a 66-year-old woman 11 years out of a 30-year marriage. My husband left to live with the woman he had been having an affair with, but the marriage hadn’t been right for some years and our sexual activity had diminished drastically. I have a male friend who is the same age as me and we are friends with benefits – only the benefits don’t work. He can’t penetrate me. Either I have shrunk or he is just a big lad (after 30 years of monogamy, I am not exactly au fait with penis sizes). It makes me feel sad and inadequate. We pleasure each other in other ways, but it would appear that penetration is off the table. Before I consult a doctor, what am I doing wrong?

You are not doing anything wrong. In fact, it is wonderful that you understand the erotic value of non-penetrative sex. Some men with atypically large penises struggle to find women who can accommodate them, but it is not certain that your friend falls into this category. After a long period of abstinence – and most likely hormonal diminution – some women do experience some vaginal atrophy that restricts penetration with a penis of any size.

Consider experimenting with gentle self-penetration once you are aroused through masturbation (use lubrication); this may help you understand your current genital physiology. But most likely, if you want to receive penetration comfortably again, it would be wise to consult a sexual medicine professional who may be able to help. Typical treatments include hormone therapy, sex therapy and vaginal dilation.

I met my girlfriend’s parents and realised I had once slept with her father

Five years ago, I went through a bi phase and used to sleep around with pretty much everyone that came along, including other men. This changed when I fell in love with my new partner, who is everything to me. I recently met her parents and halfway through lunch realised that I had slept with her father. I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter. I’m obviously in love. Shall I just ignore him, or tell my partner?

I am not sure you could ever have a comfortable future with your new partner. To tell the truth would be to court disaster: a probable break-up, plus the risk of a permanent rift between father and daughter and father and wife. Hiding the truth would lead to toxic secret-keeping that could be equally destructive in the long run. If this whole family was as open-minded and sexually open as you, it might be possible for you to become part of it. However, the father – your former lover – has made it clear that you will not be welcome. Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner, her family and yourself.

I masturbate a dozen times a day. Am I addicted?

I fear I am addicted to masturbation. If I do not masturbate three or four times a day, I feel incredibly frustrated. On particularly “active” days, I can masturbate upwards of 12 times. I find it very difficult to maintain a relationship because I have very little to no sexual desire and find it extremely difficult to maintain an erection. I have tried to cut down, but going cold turkey affects me negatively. I find myself in an almost drunken stupor, and sometimes this manifests itself in saying inappropriate things to friends and co-workers.

Many experts are uncomfortable with the concept of “addiction” being applied to sexuality, since it implies that sex is not essentially a normal and healthy human activity. But the kind of sexual compulsivity that you have described is a serious condition that requires urgent professional treatment. Sex – including masturbation – is normal and healthy unless it is practised in a way that causes lasting harm or is coercive in any way. And when it negatively affects one’s daily life – as is the case with you – it becomes a serious problem that needs to be addressed. Constant compulsive urges can occur in many forms other than sexual – for example, to touch certain objects such as doors or light switches, to wash one’s hands very often – can be aspects of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). So if OCD is expressed sexually, it is not one’s sexuality per se that is the problem, but rather, a treatable “hiccup of the brain”. Get help from a psychologist, or perhaps join a programme that is based on a 12-step method. Whatever you decide, remember that your basic sexual desire itself is not evil or abnormal; you just need help with the urge to express it excessively and compulsively.

I am 25 and have never been kissed. Have I missed my chance?

I am 25 and have never had sex. I have never been in a relationship, kissed anyone or even held someone’s hand in a romantic way. It has never happened for me. I feel so much shame about this, as if I have done something wrong. When people ask me why I have never had sex, I usually reply that no one has ever expressed any interest. But I hate the fact that people can sometimes tell I am a virgin without me saying so, and wonder what it is that gives it away.

The only sexual experiences I have had, I didn’t consent to. The first time a boy saw me naked was without my consent; I have been groped in nightclubs; men have asked me for sexual favours and told me that they thought of me while masturbating. But no one has ever initiated any consensual intimacy and I have been so scared of doing it wrong that I haven’t either. All of this bothers me more and more as I get older, and I can’t help feeling that I have missed my chance. I have missed the time when people my own age would be patient and understanding with me. How do you go on a date with a stranger and explain that you have never done any of this before?

You do not have to reveal anything about your virginity to anyone, ever. At 25, you are still extremely young, and many people will think you are simply discerning and focused on other things. In any case, it is none of their business. But do ask yourself, are you interested in sex, or are you just acting out what you believe is expected, conventional behaviour? Have you ever had a strong sexual desire for anyone, even in fantasy? Have you ever masturbated? If the answer is mainly “no”, then stop torturing yourself by comparing yourself with others. You have a right to be who you are – even if that is someone who simply does not wish to be sexual with anyone, ever. Above all, don’t let peer pressure push you into doing something you don’t want to do. There is no rule that says you have to lose your virginity.

I love my boyfriend, but I fantasise about being with a woman

I love my boyfriend so much, but our sex is unfulfilling and feels like a chore. I’ve only climaxed with him once in 18 months and our libidos never seem to match. My biggest problem, though, is that I want to be with a woman. I’ve been bi for years, but this straight relationship is the only thing I have, and we are pretty serious. I don’t want to ruin that. At the same time, I long to be with a woman much more than a man and I fantasise about spending the rest of my life with a woman. I can see me doing that with him as well, but I’m not nearly as excited about it. We have talked about our problems, but nothing is changing, even after months of trying. We want to get better, but it is almost as if we physically can’t.

Some people in your position are able to negotiate room for another person within their primary relationship, although that can be very challenging for all involved. But if that is not an option for you and your boyfriend, you need to decide what you really want in the long term. You are clearly restless and long to feel more fulfilled with someone, so I wonder what is stopping you from exploring other possibilities? Perhaps you value the stable relationship you have above your need to be who you truly are sexually – but I’m sure it has already dawned on you that not following your true desires could lead to a life of regret and resentment. Try to find a way to learn more about what your real needs are and how they can best be met.

I’m scared to tell my new partner about what happens when I orgasm

I am 37 and a single disabled mum to 13-year-old twins. I have not had sex in more than 11 years because I urinate when I orgasm. I also don’t feel attractive because of my scars and limitations. Now I’ve started dating a man who is nine years my junior and, while he is a great guy, I’m scared to have sex with him. How can I talk with him about my concerns so we can embark on the next stage of our relationship?

Talk to a doctor about your incontinence. There are solutions, and finding one will greatly improve your confidence. I recommend that you approach the subject of your sexual concerns playfully, even seductively. Try to use humour, and keep in mind that when there is strong mutual sexual desire, most limitations can be accommodated. You are the one who knows what your sexual needs are and exactly how to achieve them, and it is important to share that with him once you feel that acting on your attraction for each other is likely or inevitable. Do not expect him to read your mind. He will probably need very specific guidance and, if he is a caring person, he will be grateful for the information and eager to comply. Don’t forget to reciprocate by inquiring about his specific sexual needs and doing your best to meet them.

My boyfriend is wonderful and loving, but he has a tiny penis

After a series of unsuitable boyfriends, I have met a wonderful loving man. However, he has an extremely small penis. He can get an erection and we are able to have penetrative sex, but I often feel little to nothing, although he is a sensitive lover in other ways. I am full of regret that, if this is to be my life partner, I might never be able to enjoy penetrative sex in quite the same way again.

Regarding relationships, what exactly is your goal? Is it to find the perfect person, or the perfect penis? Would you accept my word for the fact that neither exists? Your search for complete and utter satisfaction on every scale is likely to lead to disappointment, dissatisfaction and regret. True intimacy and wonderfully loving human connections are partly defined by the ability of each person to see and accept the “failings” of the other, and to accept and share one’s own shortcomings. You are at an early stage in this new relationship, but rejecting an otherwise “wonderful” man on the basis of his penis size may be very unwise, especially since he is a fulfilling lover in nonpenetrative ways. Most nerve endings that help trigger pleasure and orgasm are in a woman’s clitoris, not the vagina. And over time, needs and bodies change, and desire waxes and wanes. When judging a partner’s ability to be satisfying in the long run, the only reliable benchmark is his willingness to learn to please you.

My wife and I are suffering ‘lesbian bed death’. Is there any way back?

My wife and I, both women in our 60s, have been together for more than 20 years. We stopped having sex about 13 years ago, due to a combination of getting a dog (who sleeps with us) and her going through the menopause. I had a bit of a lull in my own libido when I went through menopause about nine years ago, but it came roaring back. She is not interested in sex at all and is also resentful that I have a hoarding problem, even though I’m in therapy for it. I think she may be using that as an excuse to withhold affection (when asked, she doesn’t confirm or deny it). Do you think there is any hope that we can resolve our “lesbian bed death”? We’re in couples therapy, but I don’t think it is helping much.

The stance of “withholding affection” can be a fully conscious act or it can be unconscious. In other words, a person might be fully committed to her partner and (in principle) wish to be intimate, yet deeply held resentment arrests that desire. I’m glad you are in couples therapy, as, over time, that could break the impasse between you and heal various issues that may have arisen in the past. Try to avoid labelling your lack of intimacy as “lesbian bed death”, since that catch-all phrase can support a helpless attitude. Your partnership is far from a cliche.

During your many years together – for all kinds of understandable reasons – you have mutually made unspoken agreements to allow dogs, menopause and life in general to interrupt your erotic connection without your finding the way back. The fact that your libido has come “roaring back” is a wonderful thing for you, but your partner is clearly not ready. Be gentle, patient, understanding, open, attentive … and do the work.

My younger partner wants five-hour sex sessions and I can’t keep up

I am a male aged 51 and my partner is 40. Six months ago, she left a loveless marriage. I enjoy the sex but sometimes it can last four to five hours, and she will orgasm on average a similar number of times. I have secretly been using Viagra to help me, but I fear that if I ever say I am tired or don’t want to continue, she will be disappointed or angry.

No matter who says “no” (or “no more”) – male or female – it truly means “no” and must always be respected. It is very important to set boundaries. I am not surprised you are using medication to help; one’s ability to become, and remain, aroused can be negatively affected by the psychological effects of feeling pressured to “perform”. There are, however, a number of strategies you could try – for example, using oral or manual techniques, erotic games and role play, or toys. It could also be worth exploring tantric techniques, since some are well designed to prolong erotic sessions in a less performance-oriented fashion. At the very least, have a frank conversation with her that begins with a reaffirmation of the enjoyment you experience, then progresses to explaining that there is a point during these sessions when you stop enjoying them – especially when you feel overburdened by performance pressure – and must insist on taking breaks. Let her know that at such times you need her understanding and respect.

I don’t like the way my partner smells

I have been with my partner for more than three years. We have a wonderful relationship and go out of our way to make each other feel held, loved, listened to. We moved in together last year and have a great partnership in the home. We also have regular date nights and the sex remains good. But I don’t like his smell. He doesn’t smell bad, it’s just that his natural odour is not a smell I enjoy. It isn’t his body odour from when he has been running or lifting weights. It’s not conscious, I just have a bodily response that says, “that’s not my thing”. Sometimes, I wonder if this is telling of something deeper. Do you need to be drawn to the odour of the person you love?

People have different priorities in terms of what draws them close to a partner. Many are very visually oriented and need attractive presentations. Some are kinaesthetics, so they react best to the feel of a person when they touch. You seem to have a sensibility that is more olfactory, so smell is extremely important to you. In addition, a person’s natural scent carries chemicals such as pheromones that are important elements in the biology of attraction. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have some regrets about setting up home with someone to whom you do not feel physically bonded, but I wonder why you chose to do that? Perhaps it would be advisable to ask yourself some questions, such as: do you like the idea of being with someone like your partner more than you actually like being intimate with him? Have you ever felt a strong attraction to anyone … and liked their smell? Did your partner’s smell appeal to you earlier on in the relationship? If yes, when did it change? Are there fragrances, such as aftershave, that he could use that you would enjoy more? There is also the possibility that your partner’s smell may be linked to a medical condition that requires treatment. Investigate.