Raw milk, LED light treatment, tomahawk steak and a cuddly toy. They sound more suited to the conveyor belt of The Generation Game than to a Premier League star’s daily routine, but these are some of the things the Manchester City and Norway striker Erling Haaland credits with his success.
Haaland recently shared the routine he believes keeps him at the top of his game on and off the pitch, but what would it do for a Guardian journalist? Could it provide a glimpse of how to match Haaland’s amazing physique, boyish appearance that belies his real age (25) and reported net worth of more than £50m? It was time to find out – for one day at least.
Morning is supposed to begin with a simple cup of coffee, a splash of raw milk and a sweetener. Which doesn’t sound that bad. But after opening the milk carton I realise this isn’t going to be a brew to savour. Hard, curdled blobs of fat sit on top and a tangy scent escapes the bottle. I reluctantly pour the milk into my coffee and an oily film soon settles on top.
The taste is bearable but the swirling blotches are off-putting. I can’t bear more than a few sips.
Haaland is known to drink two full glasses of raw milk a day, so on an impulse I down a glass of it on its own. Never again. Thankfully, this is followed by a reliable breakfast staple: fried eggs and some sourdough toast.
Haaland’s daily routine also includes a rather intimate assisted stretching session, an ice bath and some time in front of a red light therapy machine. Sadly, his masseur Mario isn’t available to contort my legs. But Ingrid Raphael, an aesthetician, is able to squeeze me in for an LED light therapy treatment.
Like Haaland, I’ve also got a giant teddy bear roommate. We catch up on some Celebrity Traitors before heading out for my session.
I have to admit I am sceptical of the LED light therapy treatment before going in, but there must be some secret behind the footballer’s youthful looks. Raphael, who says she has seen more men coming in for the treatment, suggests this might be it. “I think it’s a magic bullet, full stop. It is absolutely unparalleled in its capability to aid ageing,” she says.
After having my face cleansed and pads placed over my eyes, LED lights of varying colours are shone over my face. A soft heat develops and, with my eyes closed, I am drifting off and imagining myself on a beach.
Before long, the treatment is over and I leave the clinic glowing. I have to say I am impressed. I am inching closer to having skin as good as Haaland’s.
For the final step in his day, I’m getting dinner ready and it’s going to be a big one. I’m prepping a big, juicy 770g tomahawk steak. I’m hoping that after I finish it I’ll be able to sprint out of the house and steal the show on my local football pitch.
After dousing the steak with some special flaky salt, I toss it in the grill for 10 minutes. Time to eat. I can only manage four or five bites before I feel slightly light-headed. It seems I haven’t seen the last of the raw milk. It’s coming back with a vengeance.
In footballing parlance, drinking it has turned out to be an own goal.
